It started out as just one. One well-known person committed suicide on June 5, 2018. I held my breath and hoped my almost 12-year-old, Jonah, didn’t see the headlines. The next day brought the inevitable. Another celebrity in the headlines, dead by suicide. Now, after 6 years of avoiding the conversation, it was time to talk about the word suicide and what it really means.
Tough questions
Let’s start back a few weeks ago. The news, the headlines–my almost 6th grade son saw them all of course. He was also shocked that two very popular people had died suddenly by suicide. He didn’t fully comprehend the meaning of the word “suicide.” That left me, his parent, to be the lucky recipient of the question “What does suicide mean?” After we got his younger sister (only 5) distracted with sprinklers outside, he and I sat on a big towel in the middle of the backyard and talked. I started off by simply giving the dictionary definition of suicide. I then went on to explain to him that it is usually the end of a long struggle with depression or other serious mental illnesses. As he is about to begin his journey through middle school, I explained he will hear about it from counselors and possibly come across people who say that they want to commit suicide or do other types of self-harm. In the end, it was a good conversation. He had so many questions that I tried to answer the best I could. What he didn’t know was that I had mentally prepared myself the last six years for this conversation.
Suicide affects everyone
So let’s go back six years this time. It was April–the Thursday after Easter Sunday. I was at work, and it was a normal day. My husband called me (which was strange) and sounded like he was in a major panic. His mom had received a letter in the mail from his sister. He was on his way to her house, and I needed to come immediately as well. When I got to the house, we called police to check on my sister-in-law. The police officers confirmed what we feared the most: she had committed suicide in her home. She had written a final letter to her mother (my mother-in-law) and sent it in the mail. She was 39. I watched my mother-in-law’s world crash down around her while my husband tried to grasp the words they heard on the phone and catch his falling mother. Jonah was 5-years-old at the time. He was too young to know much of what was actually happening. The only thing he did know is that Aunt Sara would not be visiting for holidays with bags full of the best gifts. At that moment, I started preparing myself for how I might have a conversation about all of this one day.
The second part of our conversation was more difficult even though I had been thinking about it for years. It started out with me asking Jonah about how he mentioned before that Grandma doesn’t like to talk about Aunt Sara’s death. Then it ended with me telling him that his Aunt had died by suicide as well.
Suicide unknowns
There’s so much to suicide that no one truly understands. Why does the person choose the time they do? Why didn’t they reach out to others more? How long had they suffered, feeling alone and helpless? I talked to my son that day about how he should ALWAYS tell someone if a friend or another student ever says something about wanting to hurt themselves. Even if that person gets mad at him for doing so. I also told him that if he ever felt like doing any self-harmful acts, he should seek someone to talk to. I don’t care if it’s me, your dad, your brother in college, tell a friend, talk to the neighbor. Talk to someone. The reason why is because of this: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. This world is a tough one. I know that. The trick is to not give up. And if you feel like you want to give up, find help. Find an outlet, find a confidante, find a friend. They will get you through the tough times. Because I promise you, whatever tough times you’re going through that makes you contemplate suicide, is nothing compared to the tough times those you leave behind go through once you’re gone.
The difficult talks
These are the difficult talks. These are the ones that we fight back tears and keep ourselves together for the betterment of our children and their future. But please, please, please have these difficult conversations with your children and judge those conversations based on their individual personalities. Today.com has a valuable resource guiding parents through age-appropriate conversations about suicide. As they get older, your conversations will become more in-depth but please start young and with the basics. The more they know, the better they will be prepared for the ups and downs in their life ahead of them.
Last, but certainly not least, if you or anyone you know is talking or thinking about suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Or a friend. Or me. Or anyone. Because as the years pass, if you know someone close who has died by suicide, it does not get easier.
