It can be quite confusing if your happy-go-lucky child suddenly begins behaving differently in public than at home. He might become withdrawn even when you know he’s had a terrific time at a friend’s house. She is reluctant to enter into a group of peers where before she had no qualms. Maybe, your child has always been reserved, but he becomes even more reserved in social situations.
Introverts unite
Perhaps your child is an introvert. If this is the case never fear, this is not a negative strike against your child. It’s probably not news to you that there are two major personality types: introverts and extroverts. However, helping your child navigate through life as an introvert may be new to you. So, what’s a mom to do to encourage her child to form friendships when she seems so terribly reluctant?
It is important to understand what introversion really means. Though an introvert can certainly be shy – that is not the true definition of introversion. According to the site “Introvert, Dear” : “. . . [A]n introvert is someone who gets drained by socializing and recharges by being alone.” The length and frequency of alone time depends largely upon the individual.
He was done
In my oldest child’s case, his introversion showed up when he was 18 months old. I didn’t recognize it as such, however (I hadn’t even recognized that I was an introvert at that point). We were happily playing with a ball, rolling it back and forth between us. Suddenly, his eyes seemed to shutter — pushing me out, in fact — and he rolled the ball, rather angrily, away from us both. He was telling me he was done (that part I caught), but I didn’t know it was because he’d just become over stimulated. All I knew was that it wasn’t his usual reaction when he became bored.
When I tried to cajole him into a better mood, he withdrew further and further. For years, I wondered what I had done to elicit this kind of reaction from him (mommy guilt anyone?). Now I know, it had nothing to do with me. He just didn’t have the capacity to communicate that he needed to be left alone; all he knew was that he was done – in a big way — done.
Limitations realized
Realize that your child will not yet know his or her own limitations. She could quite possibly be overwhelmed long before either of you are aware. You as a mom can be on the alert for your child’s introvert hangover. “Introvert, Dear” explains it this way, “the feeling of being completely wiped out from too much ‘people time’ or stimulation. This can mean feeling fatigued, unable to concentrate, or even grouchy.”
I am confident that some introverted children throw tantrums due to over stimulation. Because the parent cannot detect a specific reason for the tantrum, they are left, understandably, bewildered. However, it is more likely that an introverted child will just withdraw completely, an equally confusing response to parents who don’t know that their child is an introvert.
Good news
Realize that introverts tend to have a small group of friends – maybe only one or two. Introverts crave quality over quantity. That is not to say that introverts don’t have good time with acquaintances; it’s just not their preferred type of relationship.
Encourage, but not too much nor too hard. Help your child move forward by challenging them to do one thing that scares them about making friends. Stepping outside of our comfort zones helps us to grow in meaningful ways.
Break down the really scary thing, like going on a play date with someone new, into smaller steps for your child. This helps them gain self confidence and a willingness to take the next scary step.
- “Run into” the new friend and their parent outside of your school building or coffee shop before ever introducing the idea of a play date. Encourage your child to make eye contact and smile while you chat with the other parent. Don’t ask for more than that initially.
- Bring up the new friend in casual conversation. “I saw Julie and her mom taking a selfie outside of the Joslyn Art Museum. What if we did that some time?” The focus is taken off of the scary thing (making a new friend) and on the event of taking a selfie while visiting the museum. This allows a connection to be made with the potential friend.
- Share that the new friend is having a hard time with something like tying their shoes or multiplication, just like your child. This gives your child a foundation upon which to relate to the other child. If Julie is having a hard time too, your child will feel less vulnerable when they meet again.
Don’t give up
Listen to your child, but be willing to direct when necessary. It can be difficult to know when your child is truly reluctant or just stubborn when it comes to trying new things. You may have fits and starts in the process. Don’t give up after one or two tries. The important thing is that you are giving your child coping skills that he can use throughout his life.
Also know that a failed attempt is really just progress in another direction. So, maybe Julie and your child don’t quite click. No worries. Your youngster will click with another child.
The best thing is that sometimes children click without any steps on our part at all.
Do you have any tips when it comes to raising an introvert? We’d love to hear them.
