Off to School: Weathering a New Season

The day was finally here. My daughter and I were both filled with excitement and a little fear. Every last detail of my daughter’s outfit had been planned. Everything she carried in her backpack was carefully chosen to remind her of home and to fulfill the list we had been asked to bring. I, on the other hand, chose my outfit by ease. The only thought I gave to my appearance was planning to bring sunglasses so I could hide the tears I couldn’t keep in. This was a day I had planned for years. This was a big transition and it was the beginning of a new season of motherhood and new rhythm for me. It was my oldest’s first day of kindergarten.

Somewhere along the way, I decided that it isn’t good or healthy or right to be sad about my daughter going to school. I desperately didn’t want to be sad, but I was.

Now, I can almost hear the criticism. Isn’t your child’s first day of school about them? Stop being so dramatic! Trust me, I have said all of these things to myself and it was a big transition for my daughter. A transition she was ready for and rocked. If you struggled when your kids went to school, this is for you! This is the story I wish someone would have shared with me.

If this is a good thing, why am I so sad?

I have asked myself this over and over again. The simple answer is that I missed her and I missed our family rhythms. I work part time but am also able to be home a few days a week. We had fun traditions. Traditions that were developed over many years: we would go to Target and shop around, stop by a park, library story time, or Skatedaze. We had a regular list of friends who we met up with for play dates (some even weekly). Each of the pieces of these traditions were healthy steps for me in socializing my kids (and myself) and giving them fun activities to help them grow. It was a new normal that was built piece by piece after my oldest was born.

The school day forced us to have a new rhythm and to sacrifice some of those traditions. My heart ached I missed my daughter and our home life terribly some days.  I would go home after I dropped my oldest at school and my youngest at preschool and cry my eyes out.  But I hid that from even my closest friends. I had judged my sadness as wrong and it was very lonely.  

So many changes.

The other reason I was so sad, is because it was very hard for me to trust someone who was essentially a stranger with my children. I deeply believe there are good people in the world. It was hard not to know what she was doing, and I worried if anyone would really see her and care about her. I knew if she was home with me, I would do that. Would these other adults? (Spoiler alert: they did in spades but man it was tough for me in the beginning to let that go).

Another loss I didn’t see coming was how my social circle changed. People who I saw regularly stopped texting and setting up play dates.  I know it was mostly circumstantial, but it felt as though people were only my friend to get play dates for their kids, and that added to the loneliness.

What would I say to you when you struggle?

My youngest starts kindergarten this year. Writing this makes me grapple with how I will do this transition and what tools I will use to weather the sadness when it comes. Here is what I am telling myself:

1. Don’t judge your pain

Elizabeth Gilbert recently said: 

I have learned that Grief is a force of energy that cannot be controlled or predicted. It comes and goes on its own schedule. Grief does not obey your plans or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief has a lot in common with Love.

The only way that I can “handle” Grief, then, is the same way that I “handle” Love — by not “handling” it.

While Elizabeth’s is more final than mine, there is real loss in moving to a new season of life. I would do well to bow to grief and let myself feel it all- without judgement. I think I will find there that this grief is the price of love.  This is what I need to tell myself when I’m tempted to try to “encourage myself” with thoughts like Other people have real problems or This is a good thing.  Because when I try to cheer myself up that way, I am really dismissing the hurt and minimizing it.  And it doesn’t help. 

2. Use this season to find yourself.

Motherhood requires us to give of ourselves- in ways that feel impossible. You are on 24 hours a day.  You can’t take a day off. When push comes to shove, you will choose to meet your kids’ needs over your own. If you are lucky enough to have some downtime while your kids are at school, find new rhythms. Join a book club, a gym, grab coffee with a friend, do that thing you have been putting off at the house, or create new memories with your other kiddos at home. The absence leaves space to be filled intentionally. It is a gift if you receive it. 

3. Look for the gifts.

The things I haven’t told you about this year are the moms at school who have become real friends. There’s the couple we go out with on weekends and the bunco group I belong to. There are the moms who had a mimosa party the first day of school and invited me after knowing me a week. It has been a joy to more fully belong on my community, and school has helped me in that. And there are the adults that love my daughter who have invested in her and helped her learn so much. There are the new little friends that my daughter has. Just tonight, as I put her to bed, I saw a note that one of her classmates left during a play date… it simply said “I love you”. What a gift. There have been so many gifts amidst the big feelings.

4. Hang on during times of transition. 

I am learning that I’m not great at transitions. If I can hang on until things feel normal, this will be OK.

The thought that “things will be okay” is what I’m clinging to when the sadness returns. That and the fact that I know someday I will enjoy the quiet (that really did happen too).

How about you? How do you handle sending your kids off to school?  Do you have favorite hobbies or activities to fill your cup?

jenniferboll
Jenny is a fifth generation Nebraskan. She is a true city girl and has lived in Omaha for 15 years of her life! She loves meeting new people and having real conversations. In her day job, she leads a Christian ministry -where she helps college students develop a meaningful relationship with Jesus. She has been married for over a decade and her husband and her have two amazing girls. In her free time, you will find Jenny navigating the new world of being a school mom, exploring area parks and trying to show up for people in a non-judgmental way (there may also be some reality tv involved).